Status check
Mood: Controversial
Desire: To Leave
Relationship: Near miss. Yeah, miss.
Emotions: flat
Music: OAR, Vanessa Carlton, Maroon 5
Quote:
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time, but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness of faking
Taking my time but it’s time that I’ve wasted.
Don’t want to turn that car around
I’ve got to turn this thing around.
Over the line can’t define what I’m after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time, but I’m shattered
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness of faking
Taking my time but it’s time that I’ve wasted.
Don’t want to turn that car around
I’ve got to turn this thing around.
Job: Working OT. I have nothing to say about pregnant people today.
Health: I can actually move. Yay.
Theater: Ghosts, Henrik Ibsen, Regina (the maid). Finished blocking. I’m still working on my voice, seems like it’s just out of reach. Line almost memorized…it’s coming.
Theater: Ghosts, Henrik Ibsen, Regina (the maid). Finished blocking. I’m still working on my voice, seems like it’s just out of reach. Line almost memorized…it’s coming.
Half empty: Self-doubting. I need to get the hell out of here. I need to leave Ohio, immediately.
Half full: I’ve got health, and family, and friends. I’ve got time; at least I think I do. I can turn it around.
_________________________________________________________
They say the best things in life are free, but I’ve yet to find a descent top-shelf margarita or a descent man that hasn’t cost me. Of course, all relationships have their price: transactions of time, energy, emotion. However, those relationships in pursuit of that allusive apparition, love, seem to have their hidden fees.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting upon my relationships past. I rarely do that. I believe that each relationship had its own merit and its purpose was to teach me a lesson. I use my tools, intellect and insight, in the academy of dead relationships; I can actually see the progress of my growth and where I still need work. Yes, I made mistakes. Tons of them. Broke some hearts, very true…stings a little. But, I find if I focus too much on how it went wrong—try to dissect it—it can drive me crazy (in all honestly, I can probably pinpoint the very moment the relationship died, save one or two). My only ability to substantiate, rather snuff the gag reflex and swallow, the facts of all my failed relationships is the optimism that I am learning from this process. It was what it was; when it was; for whatever purpose it was. I think…
But what if I’m full of shit? What if I’m simply meandering, aimlessly—pointless—from relationship to relationship, making the same mistakes, ignoring the same problems. It’s like doing an algebra equation repeatedly with the wrong formula and being surprised by the same wrong answer. I realize that I’m a stubborn, and, I’ll admit, I often have to learn the hard way. Let’s try to make sense of all this:
-Does love exist?
-Yes.
-How do you know?
-I know God loves me.
-Who can argue with that? Does love exist between a man and a woman?
-Yes. I’ve felt it.
-Is it only a feeling?
-No, I’ve given it.
-How?
-Through honesty, my time, and attention. Compromise.
-Compromise. Have you compromised yourself?
-Sometimes I think I have.
-How so?
-I’ve compromised my feelings, values, others’ indiscretions.
-Why?
-Because of love.
-Can you do both, love and compromise?
-Love encompasses compromise.
-No, no, you misunderstand. Can you compromise yourself and love someone else?
-No.
-So, Why have you?
-I thought I was making a worthy investment.
-Can you tell the difference?
-Between?
-Whether it’s a worthy investment or not.
-I’d like to think so.
-You don’t sound very certain.
-That’s because I’m not.
I’m not a hopeless romantic as much as a hopeful romantic. I think that was said in a movie somewhere. Currently, I cannot recall which (and, it’s not important enough to Google). I’ve often said, “Love may be blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid” Meaning? I know plenty of women who fall for complete morons, and these are smart, beautiful, driven young women. They seem to justify every inexcusable bad behavior with the same sentiment, “He’ll change.” In my experience, I have found that a man is the same from first date to last. In all honesty, I am the same first date to last. He, or I, will not change unless it is motivated from within our own selves. I don’t want to change anyone. I eventually want to meet a man whose little annoying habits and personality flaws don’t drive me to the brink of insanity. Oh, and of course, they have to put up with me. But, I’m no ogre. However, I have been told that I ruined someone’s life. Yooouuuuccchhh!! Yet, if I indeed ruined his life then he didn’t have much of one to begin with. I don’t believe I can say that any man has ruined my life (knock on wood).
Some girls love with their heart. I love with my head, primarily. Oh, I’ve been stupid over a guy: blond hair, blue eyes, daring smile, athletic body, who says all the right things. Yeah, how can a girl resist? And I didn’t. That experience was dually exhilarating and terrifying. There’s something so beautiful about being young and carefree: ignoring consequences. Fuck consequences, I’ve got life to live, is the mentality of the moment. There’s no room for rational behavior, not when you’ve got electricity pulsing through every nerve ending. Vanessa Carlton may say it best: “Love or something ignites in my veins/ And, I pray it never fades.” Trust me it was more of lust than love. I wonder, as I consider the girl I was and compare her to the woman I hope I am today, what I was thinking. Answer is simple; I wasn’t. Although I feel far from her, I can’t help but envy her freedom—wild abandon. And I hope that I haven’t lost that quality completely. I hope I never do. I need to find the balance between whim and wisdom, for wisdom isn’t the fuel for passion or whim the footer for commitment. Can I have it all? Passion and commitment, danger and comfort, new and old….God, I hope so.
Sometimes, I think I live, I love, to carefully. Neat. Proper. Orderly. In a manner very linear, which compliments my perfection-driven nature. I realize no one is perfect. I realize I am far from perfect as well. But is it wrong to want to get it right? Rather to get us right? On second thought, to get what’s right for us? Whatever right is and whoever ‘us’ are. Have I lost my expectations? Are they really the vice everyone seems to make them? Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed; yet, it’s disappointing to expect nothing. Shouldn’t we expect something of those near to us, and shouldn’t they expect something of us? Why shouldn’t we hold each other to a more noble level of living—a higher level of compassion and consideration. This doesn’t necessitate that people become infallible, rather the opposite. Typically, failure meets critique; but by holding ourselves to a higher expectation than what everyone else thinks, we view failure as a triumph and to be met with encouragement and empathy. And even if someone fails us personally, should we give up on our expectations? On ourselves? I would think not. I don’t think we should sell out just yet. What do we have to lose?
Maybe this is what I need to hear, more for myself: other’s expectations have allowed me to live outside of myself, outside of my comfort zone, which I recognize is a personal struggle. I wrestle with vulnerability and openness. Yet, no matter a failure or triumph and most have been failures, I have stretched. I have changed. Despite the end result, I am better from the experience and that keeps me hopeful. I shouldn’t dash all my hopes, desires because of a few broken relationships, nor should I second guess myself.
-Never compromise your desires…never compromise you.
-I know, I know.
Expect nothing…gain nothing. I happen to want it all. And, why not? I deserve it. We all do.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting upon my relationships past. I rarely do that. I believe that each relationship had its own merit and its purpose was to teach me a lesson. I use my tools, intellect and insight, in the academy of dead relationships; I can actually see the progress of my growth and where I still need work. Yes, I made mistakes. Tons of them. Broke some hearts, very true…stings a little. But, I find if I focus too much on how it went wrong—try to dissect it—it can drive me crazy (in all honestly, I can probably pinpoint the very moment the relationship died, save one or two). My only ability to substantiate, rather snuff the gag reflex and swallow, the facts of all my failed relationships is the optimism that I am learning from this process. It was what it was; when it was; for whatever purpose it was. I think…
But what if I’m full of shit? What if I’m simply meandering, aimlessly—pointless—from relationship to relationship, making the same mistakes, ignoring the same problems. It’s like doing an algebra equation repeatedly with the wrong formula and being surprised by the same wrong answer. I realize that I’m a stubborn, and, I’ll admit, I often have to learn the hard way. Let’s try to make sense of all this:
-Does love exist?
-Yes.
-How do you know?
-I know God loves me.
-Who can argue with that? Does love exist between a man and a woman?
-Yes. I’ve felt it.
-Is it only a feeling?
-No, I’ve given it.
-How?
-Through honesty, my time, and attention. Compromise.
-Compromise. Have you compromised yourself?
-Sometimes I think I have.
-How so?
-I’ve compromised my feelings, values, others’ indiscretions.
-Why?
-Because of love.
-Can you do both, love and compromise?
-Love encompasses compromise.
-No, no, you misunderstand. Can you compromise yourself and love someone else?
-No.
-So, Why have you?
-I thought I was making a worthy investment.
-Can you tell the difference?
-Between?
-Whether it’s a worthy investment or not.
-I’d like to think so.
-You don’t sound very certain.
-That’s because I’m not.
I’m not a hopeless romantic as much as a hopeful romantic. I think that was said in a movie somewhere. Currently, I cannot recall which (and, it’s not important enough to Google). I’ve often said, “Love may be blind but it doesn’t have to be stupid” Meaning? I know plenty of women who fall for complete morons, and these are smart, beautiful, driven young women. They seem to justify every inexcusable bad behavior with the same sentiment, “He’ll change.” In my experience, I have found that a man is the same from first date to last. In all honesty, I am the same first date to last. He, or I, will not change unless it is motivated from within our own selves. I don’t want to change anyone. I eventually want to meet a man whose little annoying habits and personality flaws don’t drive me to the brink of insanity. Oh, and of course, they have to put up with me. But, I’m no ogre. However, I have been told that I ruined someone’s life. Yooouuuuccchhh!! Yet, if I indeed ruined his life then he didn’t have much of one to begin with. I don’t believe I can say that any man has ruined my life (knock on wood).
Some girls love with their heart. I love with my head, primarily. Oh, I’ve been stupid over a guy: blond hair, blue eyes, daring smile, athletic body, who says all the right things. Yeah, how can a girl resist? And I didn’t. That experience was dually exhilarating and terrifying. There’s something so beautiful about being young and carefree: ignoring consequences. Fuck consequences, I’ve got life to live, is the mentality of the moment. There’s no room for rational behavior, not when you’ve got electricity pulsing through every nerve ending. Vanessa Carlton may say it best: “Love or something ignites in my veins/ And, I pray it never fades.” Trust me it was more of lust than love. I wonder, as I consider the girl I was and compare her to the woman I hope I am today, what I was thinking. Answer is simple; I wasn’t. Although I feel far from her, I can’t help but envy her freedom—wild abandon. And I hope that I haven’t lost that quality completely. I hope I never do. I need to find the balance between whim and wisdom, for wisdom isn’t the fuel for passion or whim the footer for commitment. Can I have it all? Passion and commitment, danger and comfort, new and old….God, I hope so.
Sometimes, I think I live, I love, to carefully. Neat. Proper. Orderly. In a manner very linear, which compliments my perfection-driven nature. I realize no one is perfect. I realize I am far from perfect as well. But is it wrong to want to get it right? Rather to get us right? On second thought, to get what’s right for us? Whatever right is and whoever ‘us’ are. Have I lost my expectations? Are they really the vice everyone seems to make them? Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed; yet, it’s disappointing to expect nothing. Shouldn’t we expect something of those near to us, and shouldn’t they expect something of us? Why shouldn’t we hold each other to a more noble level of living—a higher level of compassion and consideration. This doesn’t necessitate that people become infallible, rather the opposite. Typically, failure meets critique; but by holding ourselves to a higher expectation than what everyone else thinks, we view failure as a triumph and to be met with encouragement and empathy. And even if someone fails us personally, should we give up on our expectations? On ourselves? I would think not. I don’t think we should sell out just yet. What do we have to lose?
Maybe this is what I need to hear, more for myself: other’s expectations have allowed me to live outside of myself, outside of my comfort zone, which I recognize is a personal struggle. I wrestle with vulnerability and openness. Yet, no matter a failure or triumph and most have been failures, I have stretched. I have changed. Despite the end result, I am better from the experience and that keeps me hopeful. I shouldn’t dash all my hopes, desires because of a few broken relationships, nor should I second guess myself.
-Never compromise your desires…never compromise you.
-I know, I know.
Expect nothing…gain nothing. I happen to want it all. And, why not? I deserve it. We all do.
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