Touché, Mr. Churchill

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm"

-Winston Churchill



I happened upon this quotation the other afternoon, thanks to google, and it has become the source of my most recent musing. Oh, what to write? I am sitting in my office with the door shut; however, I do not have the luxury of privacy. Large windows make me highly visible to both patrons and coworkers. Luckily, though, I am alone. It's quite for once. Of course, spoke too soon...

(brief interlude, while I do my job. Talk amongst yourselves)

I don't want to jinx myself by expressing the current situation of my environment; however, it is safe to say that I am able to resume writing (this job is causing me to become superstitious). I am still accessing my current mood. Not tired, for once. I am curious about what the day holds and what sort of day this will be; today holds many unknowns and that excites me in some small way, in some small place. I feel young today, as if on the verge of something, but I do not know what. And that, makes the feeling all the more intense. It's affect on me is not nervous or foreboding, but rather calm and peaceful. It's change; I desire change; I need change. And, all of a sudden the monotony of my job becomes surprisingly apparent. When this happens I usually wallow in self pity. Today, I choose not. I will let my optimism reign. It's Friday, why not?

I've become a spectacle here in my office: swiveling in my chair, idly, while tugging on my bottom lip (a habit I've formed while thinking). The faces of my colleagues express their internal dialogue, "what on earth is she doing?" You probably are too. Hell, add me to the mix and we've got a party.

Let's get to the point; I want to leave--not my location but my everyday everyday. I need a vacation of the mind. I want to move to a level of higher thinking, higher existing, higher living. However, I must wait. How I hate to wait.

**At this point The Bravery starts playing on repeat inside my head**

I never had a 'Summer of 69'

Never had a Cherry Valance of my own

All these precious moments

You promised me would come in time

So where was I when I missed mine?


Time won't let me go

Time won't let me go

If you gave me back those years

I'd do it all better I swear

Time won't let me go


I am impatent. I need to work on that, right now (haha...no?). My control-freak side has been overactive lately. I keep trying to plan the next four years of my life in my head. Problem is--I've been stagnant to actually put anything into action. To quote Van Wilder, "I'm looking for that dare to be great moment." Ha. But, I don't think that's exactly the problem, which leads me to Mr. Churchill. Oh yes, we are coming full circle now.

The above quote resonated with me. But, not in the way one might think. It neither touched me in some sentimental nook of my heart nor did those words cause my cup to overfloweth with joy. Rather, that quote petrified me. It made me sickly aware of my motionless existence. To fail enthusiastically isn't scary to me. To fail tragically isn't scary either. Not taking the opportunity to fail is the most ominous aspect of that quote. The most ominous aspect of my current situation. I would love to fail; I hope to. But, not to try--to lose my motivation--that frightens me. Lacking the courage to follow through on my dreams is failure to me; failure to live. I feel like I have all these plans made, but my failure to act upon any part of them is becoming ever more apparent and ever more disheartening. "Snap out of it!!"

Maybe it is the time of year. It's August; time to start a new semester for many. This is the first fall I have not been enrolled in class for the last 16.5 years. Needless to say, I struggle with that realization. Even worse, dear friends are leaving to follow their dreams, and I can't help but be a little jealous. I am extremely excited for them. But, would like to be in their shoes in some small way. However, my current path dictates that I wait. I wait, I wait, I wait.

It's time to prepare. It's time to get ready to fail. Time to try. Time to (should I dare say it?) succeed? And if I don't? That would make me one of those lucky few who can reflect on their life, with both confidence and satisfaction, knowing that I gave life my best effort and never backed down from a challenge.

And with the above sentence, I believe I've found my own advice. I've never backed down from a challenge before; so, why would now be any different?

...It's simply not my style.